"There are only two types of speakers in the world. 1. The nervous and 2. Liars. " -- Mark Twain

Mark Twain is a smart son of a bitch.

Ok....so Im giving a speech in 3 hours at school.

I literally think i have a phobia of speech giving. I mean...im having some serious Britney Spears sized issues right now. Im about to shave my head and assault some paparazzi.

Now I have given plenty of presentations at school in my criminal justice classes and although yes, i hate them and dread them...once im up there im ok and the anxious feeling isnt nearly as bad as the one i am experiencing thinking about this speech.

I think its because i have never had to give a speech i wrote. The thought of reciting a speech that i penned in a set amount of time (only 3 minutes) is literally paralyzing to me. Im Christopher Reeve right now.

I dont care what these people think. I know the world will not end and i will not die as a direct result of this speech. I realize that and have a firm grasp on the reality of the situation. But i am still terrified.

Its irrational. Its silly. Its damn inconvenient...but its completely outside of my control at the moment. Fear has the wheel of my brand new car and is hogging the radio and instead of asking fear to kindly switch seats with me and possibly explore the idea of using the ipod adapter to play some tunes because i hate the radio, i have chosen to enjoy the feelings of nausea instead.

I probably lost you with that elaborate image but my incoherent babbling only showcases the amount of crazy i feel right now!

And i really do hate the radio.

Quick dictionary shout out....im a statistic!

Glossophobia or speech anxiety: It is believed to be the single most common phobia — affecting as much as 75% of the population. Fear of oration is ranked even above that of death.

Symptoms include:

* intense anxiety prior to, or simply at the thought of having to verbally communicate with any group, (GOT IT)
* avoidance of events which focus the group's attention on individuals in attendance, (GOT IT)
* physical distress, nausea, or feelings of panic in such circumstances. (GOT IT)



UGH! I would honestly rather chew on razorblades right now.

3 minutes of speaking is going to feel to me like Jack and Rose felt freezing their little hineys off on that piece of driftwood waiting for death or rescue.

Except no one is rescuing me....but i may die. Waaaaaaaaah.

Wish me luck.

Socials....its kinda like an abbreviation.

So im watching The City on mtv...

Dont judge.

I just got home from working my job at Starbucks of all places and im about to call someone an uber douchebag. Excuse me while i rinse off the hipocracy that is drippping out of my ears.

That's neither here nor there...

So im watching The City. This chick Whitney is the new gal in New York and works for a fashion designer amongst super douchebags. One super douchebag girl is explaining to her the ropes, if you will. She points out that theres two groups...or "scenes" there in New York amongst people she knows...get ready now....

She refers to the group that is not hers as the "downtown hipsters"

Legit.

It gets better.

She then says..."we are the uptown socials."

Legit.

Hard to believe...but it gets even better.

So Whitney (new girl) says "What is that like...socialites?"
And the girl responds, "Yeah...like...its an abbreviation kinda."

Oh my head.

I just served assholes lattes and cappacinos for 6 hours and now im subjecting myself to this shit? Im surprised my brain isnt the consistency of cottege cheese...

Oh excuse me...Perez Hilton just sent me a text message to update me on Katy Perry's new haircut.

CIAO!

Men, Maggots and Murder...

Im sure every criminal justice student questions their sanity and the presence of their souls after they have made it to the point where they are sitting in a dark classroom watching a slideshow of pictures showcasing decomposing and gruesome murder and suicide victims.

Im sorry...its interesting as hell.

As two detectives took hold of my Criminal Investigations class and showed us every aspect of the work i intend to do...and i mean EVERY aspect...all i could think was "man...i cant wait to do this shit."

Thank god john was also a criminal justice major and is interested in this stuff. I make him watch enough of The First 48 to make anyone lose whatever optimism they ever had.

Last night i got sucked into the show Rookies, while he played online poker (in prep for Foxwoods...*rolls eyes*)

This 24 year old girl was on her first day of the job and was called to a possible grave at a construction site.

There was like 4 bones from about a million years ago that this bitch had to put into a bag....and in true form, giving women cops a bad name she slapped on some gloves and did it the girly way. She held each one out about 2 miles in front of her and said "ew ew ew ew ew" as she placed them in bags. She then looked at the camera and said "i'd much rather deal with a recent dead body then one that has been dead for years."

...

Are you fuckin' kidding me?

Does anyone have a recently deceased tub of human jellatinous goo that we can toss at this woman?

So you would rather hang out with a decomposing, maggot and blowfly infested, lividity ridden, bloated, rancid, smelling dead body? As opposed to a pile of things that could be mistaken for rocks?

Thats a top police work right there.

Her FTO asked her if she had ever seen a recent dead body and she said "No."

Wow lady so that last statement you made was really informed huh?

Asshole.

Viva Las Vegasss...

So its been a long winter.

I realize it isnt over yet but in my mind it is.

Because of my delusions of greenery and sunlight John and i decided that its about damn time for a vacation. And no not one to Maine or Connecticut....Im talkin V-A-C-A-T-I-O-N.

We discussed a few places...John suggested Alaska which i vehemately shot down...because vampires bent on an uninterrupted orgy of destruction show up there and might mistake me for one of their own and....well....its Alaska.

So we discussed the posibilities of a cruise which while amazing, will absolutely make me vomit and i need to prep a little more for THAT kind of fun.

So after a while i became the best girlfriend ever and suggested the holy grail of all vacations.

Las Vegas.

And i saw John's little eyes light up and after he named all the reasons why Vegas
was INDEED an amazing idea, i could tell he had been thinkig it the whole time and just didnt want to be that guy who drags his girlfriend to sin city.

Well hitch a trailor hook on me.

Hey anywhere i can be in paris, new york and egypt all at once is the place i wanna be.


Anyone know any good deals? I think ill go search it out. It will make me feel like its really happening....


Viva Las Vegas!

Cheers!

Valentines Day Massacre INDEED...

So the name of this post will make sense in a second. First im gonna enthrall you with mush and goo and unicorns.

Reason number 39028402042983782 why John is the best? My Valentines day.

In two weeks we are going to Foxwoods for a weekend and he has scheduled a complete day at the spa....as if that is not enough to make any girl stroke out and die he also sent me not 1...but 2 dozen red roses yesterday. For real.

Dad's reaction: "well now i feel like a cheapskate"

John makes every guy look bad. For that i am not sorry. BAHAHA!

So back to the massacre....

Now since v-day tends to bring out a hoopla of crazies to every resturant that doesnt give you a toy with your meal, we decided to order out and slop around the apartment all night. Which was not only ok with me, i was excited all day for it.

We thought of cooking but then decided that cooking involved moving and effort and that just wasnt in either of our valentines day agendas. We instead let Cheesecake Factory make us dinner for take out.

After stuffing our faces and watching The Break Up, of all movies to watch on Valentines Day...we began playing Wii sports.

Massacre.

John kicked my ass in every sport except golf...

It got competetive and there was mudslinging.

At one point John uttered the phrase "thats just how i do"

John wiped the fuckin' floor with me in Baseball, Bowling and Tennis. It was ugly.

I tried about 15 times to get past my volley record in tennis of 6 volleys in a row to no avail.

After the Alaina's dignity massacre....us lovebirds decided to watch 30 Days of Night. For those of you who dont know... ill share with you the blurby blurb for this flick.

This is the story of an isolated Alaskan town that is plunged into darkness for a month each year when the sun sinks below the horizon. As the last rays of light fade, the town is attacked by a bloodthirsty gang of vampires bent on an uninterrupted orgy of destruction. Only the small town's husband-and-wife Sheriff team stand between the survivors and certain destruction.

I especially love the "uninterrupted orgy of destruction". It paints a sweet picture.

The Break up, NBA all star game, Wii Sports tourney of death, then movie that involved vampires bent on an uninterrupted orgy of destruction?

All in all...it was possibly the best valentines yet.

I realize this is old news but im fascinated by it...

The guy whos in the Wrigley's doublemint gum commercial beat up the "umbrella ella ella" girl??!

My 12 year old neice is poppin' and lockin' to Chris Brown and hes a woman beater? Thats awesome.

And really...who beats up Rihanna and thinks that nobody is gonna notice? Oh she's only the most recognizable and loved pop princess of the last two years, but dont worry Chris Beatdown, no one will see that black eye...you're good G.

On a sidenote i was trying to explain who Chris Brown is to John last night. Because at 26 he is old and out of the hipster loop. So i tried to sing one of his popular dittys to him. I mumbled a tune then blurted out "mena na na na RUN IT RUN IT"

His response was "No i dont know that song and stop that now. Dont ever do that again"

I tried....but if it isnt sports, Howard Stern or exotic beer he doesnt want to hear about it.

ANYWAYS

Im like blown away that Chris Beatdown is that stupid... i mean, the guy beat her ass then LEFT her alone on the street. Was he sitting in his limo like "Yeeeeah Chris...she asked for that shit, and im sure America will agree. You're career will flourish...you're the victim of Rihanna"

Im super excited to see his career go up in flames. The gum commercial is pulled apparently...and since thats the only thing i knew him from then i guess my life is not impacted that much. Well the world continues to turn!

Cheers!

P.s...has anyone seen the commercial for Dennys or IHOP or some breakfast place that begins with a banana on top of a pancake singing "you can call me nannerpuss nannerpuss and i love pancakes!"....because it just had me laughing for like 10 minutes straight.

Adrenaline crash.

Sudden heart palpatations?

The shakes?

Red burning face?

Check. Check. Check.

Public speaking is not my forte.

Impromptu speech in Speech class tonight after a 3 hour Urban Government and Politics class.

I honestly would have been better off if someone threw a wolverine at me.

A wolverine on fire.

A pissed off wolverine on fire.

Although i suppose if you lit a wolverine on fire then he would likely be pissed...

You get my point.

I hate myself for taking Speech as a "challenge" to myself. Since when am i so cavalier huh? I dont know why i feel the need to make goals and actually set out to do them.

I hate myself even more for beginning my impromptu speech by feeling the heat rush to my cheeks and as a result legit squeeked "hi" at the class.

But i suppose its just the anticipation that makes me the most crazy. Actually speaking isnt so bad....compared to flaming wolverines i could say its a little better.

Yeah. Adrenaline rush over. Now im exhausted.

Goodnight.

I figured its about time i get my own blog....

Ive done the myspace and facebook rants before but i felt it was time to dedicate my crazy rants to a space of their own. Where they can run free and graze with the other rants.

So ill just get right to it.

I hate Ex-Girlfriends.

Lets rephrase that.

I hate my boyfriend's Ex-Girlfriends.

Because lets face it, i myself am an Ex-girlfriend. And im sure i havent been the most precious of the breed but i definatly know when its quitting time. Time to close up shop and move to another zip code if ya know what im sayin'.

My boyfriend's ex has proven to be not only entertaining, but also kind of like my own independent psychology project. I mean it purely by some stroke of amazing dumb luck that i still get to enjoy her craziness 3 years later.

So im gonna come up with a name for her. Hm....something that reminds me of her but isnt her name....letsss call herrr......Mosquito. Annoying, Ugly, Devoid of purpose, Not liked by anyone, Kinda crazy because lets face it they are suckin blood outta just anyone....yeah i believe Mosquito fits this "woman" quite nicely.

Now my boyfriend dumped Mosquito like 3 years ago...

Sidenote.

How offensive is the word "dumped"?? I mean dont get me wrong i use it and i have indeed "dumped" a human being. But it always presents an unfortunate image of someone being put into a trash truck after sitting on your curb all night in a barrel with the leftover 8 day old rancid chinese food you scraped outta the refrigerator. I dunno. Thats just me...

Onward.

So my boyfriend dumped Mosquito 3 years ago and began dating the lovely human attached to the hands typing this. Bravo boyfriend! In chess we would call that a checkmate. In the game of life we would call him a winner.

So Mosquito got upset and decided that the best way to go about this tragic event would be to recruit her fellow insects and get their crazy on. They called and texted boyfriend constantly calling him "douchebag" and cursing our relationship.

Quick dictionary shoutout

Maturity- The state or quality of being fully grown or developed. The state or quality of being mature.

Just sayin.

So that whole thing was funny in the beginning of our relationship. Because who doesnt love a good crazy lady? Courtney Love? Hilarious? Lindsey lohan? Im in stitches. Please, it was our entertainment for the first couple of months. We began a betting pool ....you know..."how many times will she say 'i dont care that you are with her' this time???" The gambler in me was thrilled!

All went quiet for a bit then she started up again. And she started calling when me and my boyfriend would get into fights. Which means she creeped the hell outta his facebook and myspace looking for any sign of a bad day, and damnit she was on that phone and texting and calling again. This time with things like "HAHAHAHAHAHAH" and "What goes around comes around!"

That was still funny.

He'd blow a tire on his car and she was telling him it was karma. Hell yeah Buddah.

But three years later we bring us to the past couple of weeks. He has received the same calls and texts as the beginning. "I hope you two are WONDERFUL together" was one of my favorites. And they seem to keep the "douchebag" theme alive which i love because i enjoy consistency in my crazies.

Now this is all well and fine. I mean its not really funny anymore. Its more scary then anything. 3 years later? Really?

Women are brutal sometimes. Some much worse than others. No wonder we are portrayed as psycho. Its quite embarrassing for us ex girlfriends that just ripped up a few pictures and peaced out.

And you'd think that in three years Mosquito would have moved on. I mean i cant even remember what the hell i was doing three years ago. Much less hold a grudge against a guy who dumped me three years ago. (theres that word again.)

I feel a fatal attraction coming on.

Thankfully we dont have a rabbit.